Wednesday, November 16, 2005
You met him a while ago, and somehow he managed to get stuck in your
head like that lyric "Shake it like a Polaroid picture." Just like
you know, (after being an owner of a Polaroid camera for 10 years), that
you're not supposed to shake the picture because it actually messes
up the developing, you don't know why he's there. But he is, whether you
like it or not. You know his cell phone number, his home phone number;
even where he likes to buy groceries. But he doesn't know.
His screen name is one that cleverly incorporates part of his name, a
nickname, or something that he loves to do. He adds one or two numbers
at the end for his birthday, or simply because it's his lucky number.
With the help of Dead Aim, you know exactly when he's no longer away because you see that little blue box shoot up from the corner
of your computer screen with "_______" has just signed on. That's
when you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? You wait a little
at first, so it doesn't seem like you've been waiting for him to
come back online. Then you decide not to IM him, hoping that he'll
double-click your screen name first. You only seem to act this silly
when it comes to the guy you like. But he doesn't know.
He's the one. All right, so maybe not the "one." Not absolutely,
positively the one you're going to marry or something, but closer to
Mr. Right-up-there-with-Brad-Pitt-in-Mr.-and
Mrs.-Smith-or-Keanu-Reeves-in-Speed-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator.
(Like I was yesterday after the fire drill.) But it's about more than
that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like penguin
suits, a 10-tier cake, embarrassing relatives who talk really loud more,
but closer to a comfy blanket, two cafe mochas from Starbucks to stay
awake because you two are always burning the midnight oil and need
caffeine, one of those wedge-shaped pillows and a movie you have no
interest in seeing more. But he doesn't know.
He's cute; a one-of-a-kind-cute that maybe only a few girls can see,
but that's the best kind of cute to be. More like you're startled
every time you see him, especially when you aren't expecting it and
you can't help but think, Oh my gosh, do I look okay? Because he
looks soo good. But then you can't help but notice that he didn't
spike up his hair like he usually does, and so it has that soft, fluffy
look about it. More like you can't stop writing these sentences that
run on and on and make no sense at all, because it seems almost
impossible to describe something ... someone ... as wonderful as he is.
But you're a writer, at least on your spare time. You can describe
anything if you put your mind to it. That's what you do: even though
your major was accounting/finance and not English, you love to write and
you've even had your work published. And when you don't have the
words, you go to dictionary.com. But nothing seems to precisely capture
everything you see in him. More like you're afraid that if you stare at
him for too long, your nearsightedness will get even worse, but you
wouldn't mind. There's always laser surgery. (But wait, I've already
had LASIK done!)
Even though all it takes is the press of a button in your phone book,
it's still so hard for you to call him, without making it seem like
you're calling out of nowhere. And when you do, you wouldn't mind that
the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile but
at the same time, hang up after mumbling, "Sorry, wrong number." You
wouldn't mind worrying about what to get him for his birthday or
Christmas present and going over the limit your first credit card had,
because everyone knows how hard it is to buy presents for guys after
you've done the cologne, wallet, and scarf thing. You wouldn't mind
that you left something at his place and have to go get it because you
need it the next morning, because it gives you the chance to see him
again. You don't mind that you've probably dropped hints along the way
without even realizing it, but knowing your luck, he didn't catch
them. So he doesn't know. Sure, he's cute, but it's about more than
that, it's his personality, his values, how he sees a lot of things
the same way you do. How he introduces you to stuff for the first time
and you end up truly liking (and not just because he does.) The mere
thought of him makes you smile. You two just click. Anything you toss at
him, he can toss right back. He makes you laugh. You knew almost right
away that he's the type of guy you're looking for. You can even
sense what his mind's thinking sometimes, but you can't quite yet
sense what his heart is. If you just had that chance.
You remember everything he's ever told you, and when he's amazed,
you just explain that you were the memory champ in 3rd grade. (Which,
now that you're in the "real" world, is only the case when it comes to
him, because you want him to know he's important to you, along with
everything he says). You can't remember when your mom tells you to bring
something up from the basement, and you can't remember that you have a
client's report due in two days, yet you remember the name of the sister
of the guy he met at a party and went to middle school with. Maybe it's
because you actually listen when he talks. You listen for the most
part, but sometimes you tend to zone out when you're bored. But when he
talks, you're totally focused. But he doesn't know.
And even though he's not seeing anyone right now, you don't know
if sees you as more than a friend. In fact, it's almost taboo because
the two of you discuss everything and anything but relationships. Why is
that? You come up with possible reasons, but it's hard to figure out
which one it could be. There's really only one way to find out, but
you don't because either you don't have enough guts to ask or you
think that asking will ruin the friendship or make things weird. Do you
really want to take that chance?
But nothing changes. He doesn't know. You get that dizzy feeling you
get after doing a cartwheel that he'll never know. You get that
feeling that you'll be forced to write a sappy entry in Xanga about him
that all your subscribers, random xanga-ers, and probably he too, will
end up reading.
You go to sleep. You wake up. He doesn't know. You're not in love.
You're not obsessed. Is it more than a crush? Definitely. You blame it
on the fact that it's almost impossible to meet decent, dateable guys in
the city, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice
if once in this area of your life, things worked out the way you wanted
them to.
I know it's hard for guys, but it can be hard for girls too, you
know. The only difference is that we won't let it kill us, just drive
us nuts.
So ___________, it's about time you know.
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